Thursday, November 1, 2007

3 weeks post-op

Today is exactly 3 weeks since surgery. I know I haven't written in a month or more. But, I was really struggling with a lot of different emotions pre-surgery and now post. You would think that it would be better to write it all out. But, somehow, I bottled it all up.

I have to say this has been a hard recovery. it is strange, not so much the food. But, the frustration of exhaustion, limitations and how long it takes to get back to normal. I knew all of this going into it. But, it is different when you are actually in it. I have 3 children under the age of 7 and they have done great with Mommy out of surgery. My husband has been doing triple over time. My family has all pitched in, and friends. I am very blessed.

What I am most frustrated with is that I want to get my energy back so that I can take things off of my husbands plate and everyone elses. I am starting to feel that this is too much for him all the work he has done. He has not complained once about anything. But, I feel so guilty. I feel bad that I am not able to be there for my children like I want to. My daughter said to me that she liked the mommy before surgery better "because she could do stuff with us. " That broke my heart. I had only told them that I was having a tummy surgery to help mommy get healthy. I tried to explain to her that before too long we were going to be able to do lots of things together, more than we ever did. But, children are in the here and now and so, it is hard for them to understand. I can't blame them. But, I am trying....trying really hard to feel better.

I went to my post op check up this week and my dr. said that I needed to set my expectations. He felt that maybe they are too high. I think that I am supposed to be leaping from tall buildings and losing lots of weight. But, it wasn't happening. I had lost 12 at my post op. I lost 9 pre-op. Others in my group were 30 lbs, 38 lbs, 20 lbs. So, it was discouraging to me. He said that I was completely within the normal range. It was hard to be in a group with people who said they had more energy than they had had in their entire life. Here I am barely able to pick my head up off the table. I felt like a failure to be honest.

I also was very sick with the Boost while on liquid diet. Also, a set back was that I had to go back into the hospital two days out due to pancreatitis. Boy, was I frustrated and upset. I just got back to driving this week because I had been so weak and faint. We were afraid that i would pass out at the wheel. The doctor thought that when I was actually able to eat then I would do a lot better as well as taking me off of blood pressure medicine.

3 days later, I do feel better and now my weight is dropping. I over did it yesterday (halloween) and now I am paying for it today. The two steps forward, two steps back thing is difficult on me.

I know that I need to cut myself some slack. I am just having a rough go of it. But, I hear it is normal. Whatever that is :)

2 comments:

HPS said...

Hi C! I've really had you on my heart for the past few weeks. I'm glad to know that you came through the surgery and are on your way to recovery.

I'm likening your stories to the first couple of weeks post partum for myself. They were a DOOZY and talk about emotional! I was so frustrated with myself and didn't know what in the world was wrong with ME.

I'm in a Bible Study for moms that has been such an encouragement with so many of the very types of emotions you are mentioning. If you'd like to check it out in your free time, the site is www.glendastudy.blogspot.com.

Thank you for your honesty and transparency. Lots of love...

Change for Good said...

I am glad you made it through your surgery. It does get easier. Your energy will return. *HUGS*

Tiffany