Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Wearing Fat as a safety blanket

I enjoy reading some of the blogs who bash the weight loss community, or make judgments. My favorite line has always been "they should just stop eating". Oh wow...I never thought of that one:)

What a lot of people don't know is that we wear our fat as a blanket, a way to keep people away. Especially if you are a survivor of sexual abuse like I was. I was a teenager, and I went through the whole "it is my fault, why me". With a lot of therapy, I worked through that piece of it. However, instead of turning to drugs and was my unconditional lover. It never let me down. It was my place of safety. I would eat and think if I was a bigger girl, then no one would ever try to mess with me again. I would wear baggy clothes to hide who I was. So many women especially suffer from our pasts and then food becomes our present.

So, if it were as easy as putting down that extra piece of pizza...I would have. But, it was so beyond the food making me fat. I made me fat by hiding behind it and then suffered the consequences of the yo-yo dieting. I ruined my metabolism and then diabetes, high blood pressure/cholesterol entered my life like an unwanted guest.

I just wished that people didn't judge so much. It is so much more than "bon-bons"

The blanket has been hard for me to take off. I feel exposed to the world and I don't know how to handle my new body. The same fears are still there, but, talking to someone about it helps tremendously.

If you are looking into Weight Loss surgery.....please don't use it for vanity sake. It won't matter if you are a size zero if you haven't resolved your inner issues. I heard so many women in some of my support groups say that they did it to get into a dress like Beyonce. That stuff scares me to death for them. Do it for you, for your health. I don't recommend it to anyone, because I believe that each person has to do their own research and do a lot of soul searching as to why you are getting it done. What are the true motives? It sure as heck is not a quick fix. It is a lot of work. And that is if you have no complications. If you are like me, it is SOOOOOOOOOOOO much work.

Do your homework internally first......being smaller isn't going to help that fat blanket come off. You can either carry it, or drop it at the door. Those are your two options. I choose to leave it at the door.

Who knew this would ever be an issue..

I used to love food. I loved the good old fashioned casseroles, or a thick juicy steak, or better yet...PIZZA!!! I wasn't the kind of person who could sit in their room and eat a whole box of Oreo's though. However, I have been known to eat a whole thing of cookie dough. Food was pretty simple for me growing up. If it tasted good, I ate it.

Then, when I would hit really tough times in my became a friend. It was an drug of sorts. Then, after a rough pregnancy and matter what I ate....the fat followed me wherever I went. The health problems followed suit.

Now...I have to be forced fed. Food is not on my mind anymore. In fact, it is so much of an issue that I have to be constantly reminded to eat protein or drink my protein shakes to get what I need to get in. Food no longer interests me. Something happened, the cravings stopped. The weirdest thing that has happened is that I look at food in a different light. I am being forced to be retrained in my thinking...that food is my medicine. Medicine to get better. Not the kind of drug that would numb my feelings.

I am adjusting to my new life. I think this is going to take a lot to get used to.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Why I have been absent from writing...

I was reading Beth's blog (melting mama) and I was so proud of her for talking about her health issues since bypass. She is 4 years out. I am not a year out yet. But, I stopped writing because people seem to only want to hear the stories of "I went from a size 24 to a size 12", or all the good stuff. No one wants to hear anything bad. So, I figured that I wouldn't even write about it.

But, the fact is....this is my life. 6 out of the 9 months, I have been in the hospital. I just got out of being in the hospital for almost 2 months. I am 5 weeks out from that surgery. My body completely rejected the RNY. The surgery itself seemed to have been perfect or so i was told. But, my body has had a major reaction to it. I have had real problems from the surgery. Yep, it was my choice and yes, these are the consequences. I went into it with the right reasons....trying to reverse my health problems. Now, I have more serious health issues.

I am not even a year out and have severe drops in blood sugar and blood pressure. To the point, that I can black out easy. I have 3 kids that I have to take care of. I know that I will be spending a lot of time with specialists now to figure this all out.

It has taken a lot away from me emotionally. It is hard to think that you made this life altering decision and then for me to be in that "percentage" where things go wrong. My surgeon is great....however, as great as he is...he doesn't really want to hear about how things are not going so good. Sometimes you are led to believe that you have a mental problem or you are imagining the pain. I have been neither one of these.

I want to start writing again and talking about my life. Because I have totally been censoring myself. Thank you Beth for giving me the strength to talk about what can really happen and if you don't want to hear it, the good news is that you don't have to read it. But, maybe somewhere, it can help someone else.

I hope all is well in internet land!!!