Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Being Thankful...

Forgive me for not writing as much as I would like on my blog, but, I have been really sick since surgery. In and out of the hospital.

I am into my 7th week post-op surgery. I wished that I could say that I had more energy than Wonder Woman. I wished I could say that I even felt good. I wished I could say that I didn't regret the surgery. But, at week 7...it is official, I do regret it. Now, in 6 months....you may read this blog and see that I have changed my mind. Pray for me that I do.

But, what I realize is...I have been thinking and doing a lot of thankful praying. I prayed before, but, this surgery has brought me so much closer to God. Everyday I wake up and thank God for my health, my family, husband, friends and the amazing outpouring of support from my church. I do have so much to be thankful for. I watch Joel Osteen a lot and his messages of faith and endurance has really kept me going. That, and the Bible. I have found that since I am at my lowest point physically....I feel so close to God. I try not to complain that I still can't eat food or that I am weak, or hurting. I really do say "Thank you for letting me be alive".

I made this choice and it was my choice. I encourage everyone who ever goes into this to be prepared for the after effects. Especially if you are self pay. I have been in the hospital 3 times since surgery and I cannot imagine what it would be like if I did not have insurance.

The strain that this has put on my family is incredible. I try so hard not to feel guilty. But, I honestly prayed that I would be the one that would not be in the "small percentage" who has complications. And for some reason, I am in that percentage and I am trying to make the best of it. There has to be a reason. I do believe that I am going to get better. I really do.

I have lost 35 pounds, but, I would give it all back right now for my former life, even if I did have to take all those medicines that I was on before. I know this is not what everyone wants to hear. You all want to hear how fabulous it is. But, I have to be honest with myself and to others about each step of this process.

BUT, the good news is....everyday, I gain a little bit of strength. Albeit in very small doses. But, for even that...I am thankful. The biggest thanks is that I am alive and I have my mind. That part is doing good. I feel like if you have your mind and your faith..you can conquer just about anything. I believe that it will happen. Not sure when it is going to....but, isn't that what faith is all about?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Weight Loss Surgery is like a bad break-up

Ever been in love? I imagine everyone of us on this planet has experienced it to some degree. Ever had a break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Some were bad and not so bad, right?

Well, right now in my life, I liken Weight Loss Surgery to a really bad break-up. You know the kind...where you know it was the right thing to do, but, it hurts so bad. Your friends try and console you and tell you everything is going to be alright. Your friends also tell you that if you get an urge to call him...DON'T...call us first!!!

Then, you do what you know you are not supposed to do. You call him. He is nice to you on the phone. Your heart flutters in hopes that there is a rekindled romance. He tells you that he can't talk right now, and you hear a female's voice in the background. You hang up the phone feeling stupid, mortified, and embarrassed. You want to throw up and in some cases...you do.

You don't tell your friends because they would tell you that you shouldn't have. You already know that, it is just that you couldn't resist the temptation.

The break-up is like a band-aid being ripped off and taking part of the skin with it. Some days you are looking out the window and tears cannot stop flowing because you want that part of your life back so bad. Then, there are the days that you know the right thing has happened. Your friends keep telling you that with each day, it will get better.

That is how the surgery has been for me. Granted, I am only 3 1/2 weeks out right now. But, comparing it to a bad break-up...I am right on par with the emotions that I am going through. I want so badly to have my strength back. I don't want to mourn anymore for my former self. My friends (support groups) all tell me that "this too shall pass". And just like a good friend, they tell you to call them if you feel the urge to take a bite of the forbidden aka sugar.

But, I did....just like the phone call they told you not to make. I did it anyway. I had to have a taste of that candy, and little bite of ice cream. Then, just like after making the call....I threw up for the remainder of the night and the toilet became my best friend. Feeling like an idiot for doing what I know is wrong...I crawl back to bed and a tear hits my pillow before falling asleep.

Today is a new day. It is beautiful outside and I try to put last night behind me and not dwell on it. I am trying to forgive myself. Mainly asking for forgiveness from my body who is so ticked off with me right now. I know that with every day....this will pass. I know that I must walk through the storm to get to the other side.

I am getting pretty drenched, but, I do see a rainbow up ahead.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

3 weeks post-op

Today is exactly 3 weeks since surgery. I know I haven't written in a month or more. But, I was really struggling with a lot of different emotions pre-surgery and now post. You would think that it would be better to write it all out. But, somehow, I bottled it all up.

I have to say this has been a hard recovery. it is strange, not so much the food. But, the frustration of exhaustion, limitations and how long it takes to get back to normal. I knew all of this going into it. But, it is different when you are actually in it. I have 3 children under the age of 7 and they have done great with Mommy out of surgery. My husband has been doing triple over time. My family has all pitched in, and friends. I am very blessed.

What I am most frustrated with is that I want to get my energy back so that I can take things off of my husbands plate and everyone elses. I am starting to feel that this is too much for him all the work he has done. He has not complained once about anything. But, I feel so guilty. I feel bad that I am not able to be there for my children like I want to. My daughter said to me that she liked the mommy before surgery better "because she could do stuff with us. " That broke my heart. I had only told them that I was having a tummy surgery to help mommy get healthy. I tried to explain to her that before too long we were going to be able to do lots of things together, more than we ever did. But, children are in the here and now and so, it is hard for them to understand. I can't blame them. But, I am trying....trying really hard to feel better.

I went to my post op check up this week and my dr. said that I needed to set my expectations. He felt that maybe they are too high. I think that I am supposed to be leaping from tall buildings and losing lots of weight. But, it wasn't happening. I had lost 12 at my post op. I lost 9 pre-op. Others in my group were 30 lbs, 38 lbs, 20 lbs. So, it was discouraging to me. He said that I was completely within the normal range. It was hard to be in a group with people who said they had more energy than they had had in their entire life. Here I am barely able to pick my head up off the table. I felt like a failure to be honest.

I also was very sick with the Boost while on liquid diet. Also, a set back was that I had to go back into the hospital two days out due to pancreatitis. Boy, was I frustrated and upset. I just got back to driving this week because I had been so weak and faint. We were afraid that i would pass out at the wheel. The doctor thought that when I was actually able to eat then I would do a lot better as well as taking me off of blood pressure medicine.

3 days later, I do feel better and now my weight is dropping. I over did it yesterday (halloween) and now I am paying for it today. The two steps forward, two steps back thing is difficult on me.

I know that I need to cut myself some slack. I am just having a rough go of it. But, I hear it is normal. Whatever that is :)