Monday, January 28, 2008

How much have you lost?

That is probably the biggest question that I get asked. Truth be told...up until a few days response would have been.. " I have lost 3 months...3 weeks and 15 hours and 20 seconds" But, I have come to realize that focusing on all that has gone wrong has not done me any favors.

I have lost 60 lbs. and have gone from a size 24/26 to a 16. That is good and am off blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, and blood sugar meds. So, for that...I am grateful.

I have spent my 3 1/2 months in a hospital, or a doctors office every single week. Sometimes the physical pain has been incredible to endure. I have had a lot of GI and kidney trouble. Unfortunately, I am in a situation where I am dealing with so many specialists that each are terrified of me because of my surgery. They don't know what to do with me really. They always differ to my surgeon. Unfortunately, the surgeon can only do so much. He is a surgeon...not a specialist for the GI, the kidneys, the liver, etc.

The emotional part has taken its toll. I went through a tremendously ANGRY phase. Especially with myself. I am a Type, for me that means that I had high expectations that I would get through this. And my body would not cooperate. I became frustrated with the lack of help that I have gotten from my surgeon. I think he is an awesome guy and great surgeon. But, I feel like he left me in the dust and left me to my own devices after surgery was done.

The part that angered me the most was 2 weeks ago, I was back in the hospital for severe kidney pain. Thought I was going to absolutely lose my mind. My surgeon and his nurse said everything looked great and thought it was because I had Fibromyalgia. I did get a little sarcastic and say "Really? So, the blood that has been coming out of places that it shouldn't be, and coffee looking grounds coming out of places that shouldn't be is Fibromyalgia? Wow..I will have to check that out".

But, I have calmed down since and after going to my kidney specialist...I know part of the problem. Serious crystallized obstruction of the kidney that cannot be picked up on a CT scan. He said that I was having serious problems with my kidney. Then the GI doctor did a colonoscopy and there were ulcers there. So, sorry that I will have to tell my surgeon that it is not Fibromyalgia. It is exactly what I thought it was. Now, I am a total believer in being a HUGE advocate for yourself. You have to with this life altering surgery.

My spirits are good now. I am coming to terms with my very angry body. We are trying to make peace together. My faith is strong and I am getting better as days go by. With help from family and friends and people that I don't even know have come to my aid. I am blessed. I am so grateful to be alive and know that no matter what is going on or how bad it gets....God is with me. He has been this whole time.

I will start writing more because I feel better and am able to get myself into the functioning world again.

I hope all of you are well..... I have to say that Heath Ledgers death bothered me really bad this week. I realize that all the pity parties that I have been having pales into comparison to the grief that family is going through. I am truly blessed to be alive and to be with my family. God is good.


Dagny said...

I'm very happy to see you again. I hope you're reaching a point you can move on from now. Sounds like maybe you are if I understand.
Wishing I could send you so much strength----Dagny

Anonymous said...

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