Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Finally, a turning point.

It has been 4 1/2 months since my gastric bypass surgery. I had been in the hospital 5 times, 3 ER visits, 2 ambulance rides, another surgery after the gastric bypass and weekly doctor visit every week until last week. I had a second surgery 3 weeks ago for a hernia and adhesions.

Last week was my true turning point. I finally feel better and alive. I feel blessed. Although my whole family, including me has the flu this week (and yes, we all got the flu shot)....I can still say how grateful I am that I have come through and am on the other side.

I have lost 70lbs. and have gone from a 26 to a 16. But, it is not what I have lost that I have focused on...it is what I have gained. I was (and still am to some degree) knocked down to the ground with this surgery. I have been crawling on the floor trying to get up. But, this surgery has kept kicking me down. But, now, I believe that I am winning this fight. My relationship with God has been strengthened beyond belief. I have had to totally rely on Him. Which is what I thought I was doing before...but, life has a funny way of showing you that "No", you really weren't walking all that close. Physically, I love to walk now. I can do Pilates without killing myself, I like to be outdoors now. I know that it has to do with my body not having to carry so much weight around. But, the kids have noticed my activity level and so has my husband.

I had a friend come into town and completely give me a new makeover. She came in about 3 weeks ago. My best friend from college came in this weekend and we (she) got rid of the majority of my clothes. I am having a Head vs. reality issue right now. I still think that I am a 24/26. I wear baggy clothes, maternity clothes. Needless to say, between two of my friends...I have been set straight in that department!!! New hair do too!!

Am I ready to say that I would do it all over again? Give me some more time. I don't know what I could have done differently though. Except, if I could turn back time and have a genie come down with wishes (which I can't), I would have chose not to have been sexually abused and eating my way through the pain. I would have chosen to be kinder to my body during my late teens and early 20's. I would have been a vegan, and so on and so on. But, life happened and this is the road that I went down.

I definitely tell everyone that it is such a PERSONAL choice. If you go looking, you will find a million websites that totally rip you a new one for having gastric bypass. I find so many blogs now that seem to come across as "holier than thou". Even though it is under the guise of self love and how you should be proud of yourself at whatever weight. I agree on those points, they are exactly right. I agree 1,000%. Weight Loss Surgery will NOT, repeat NOT change what is going on..on the inside. In fact, it seems to make it worse. This is 99% emotional, and 1% physical.

What I don't agree with is the amount of judging that is out there. For God sake ladies (sorry men...you guys usually aren't so caddy), why can't we all cheer each other on? Why do we have to sit here and judge so and so for the way that they lost weight, or whom they choose to have sex with, or if they wore white after Labor Day. We are women, strong women who yes...need to be proud of themselves for who we are on the inside. But, please don't sit there from your computer and judge everyone as if you are God Himself. God is the ONLY one that sits in judgment of me. I don't judge these ladies on their view points. I just wished that they could walk a minute in someone else's shoes and maybe...just maybe, they wouldn't be so judgmental.

One more thing while I am at it.... I read on someone's blog that they thought it was so effortless to lose weight with this surgery. That "they" think that people who have weight loss surgery don't deserve respect like those who lose it the "real" way. Ok...that is your view and you can have it. However, I can tell you that it is not effortless. Not for me anyway. They gave me a tool (which, the tool and I are still trying to make friends with each other) and that is a very small part of the equation. The rest is all "Head" stuff, exercise and healthy eating. I tried that before and it didn't work. Why is it working now? I am assuming it is the tool. Because nothing worked before.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go down that road. I just wanted to celebrate the fact that I am now in the land of the living. I pray that if those who do choose this surgery plan for any and every outcome. I was supposed to be a simple surgery...but, my body didn't let anything be simple about it. I am just grateful to be here and to be writing again.

Talk to everyone soon!


Dagny said...

I SO happy to read you are out of the woods at last! Nowhere to go but UP from here lady! And I don't mean on the scale....


Amber said...

It's good to see you back! I am so sorry things have been so rough on you but congrats on the loss and it sounds like you are on the upward swing now! Yay!

Kimberly said...

AMEN, SISTER! I just had myself a similar blog rant yesterday!

So glad to see you back! I had just found you and then you disappeared. So pleased you are feeling better!