Weight Loss Surgery is like a bad break-up

Ever been in love? I imagine everyone of us on this planet has experienced it to some degree. Ever had a break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Some were bad and not so bad, right?

Well, right now in my life, I liken Weight Loss Surgery to a really bad break-up. You know the kind...where you know it was the right thing to do, but, it hurts so bad. Your friends try and console you and tell you everything is going to be alright. Your friends also tell you that if you get an urge to call him...DON'T...call us first!!!

Then, you do what you know you are not supposed to do. You call him. He is nice to you on the phone. Your heart flutters in hopes that there is a rekindled romance. He tells you that he can't talk right now, and you hear a female's voice in the background. You hang up the phone feeling stupid, mortified, and embarrassed. You want to throw up and in some cases...you do.

You don't tell your friends because they would tell you that you shouldn't have. You already know that, it is just that you couldn't resist the temptation.

The break-up is like a band-aid being ripped off and taking part of the skin with it. Some days you are looking out the window and tears cannot stop flowing because you want that part of your life back so bad. Then, there are the days that you know the right thing has happened. Your friends keep telling you that with each day, it will get better.

That is how the surgery has been for me. Granted, I am only 3 1/2 weeks out right now. But, comparing it to a bad break-up...I am right on par with the emotions that I am going through. I want so badly to have my strength back. I don't want to mourn anymore for my former self. My friends (support groups) all tell me that "this too shall pass". And just like a good friend, they tell you to call them if you feel the urge to take a bite of the forbidden aka sugar.

But, I did....just like the phone call they told you not to make. I did it anyway. I had to have a taste of that candy, and little bite of ice cream. Then, just like after making the call....I threw up for the remainder of the night and the toilet became my best friend. Feeling like an idiot for doing what I know is wrong...I crawl back to bed and a tear hits my pillow before falling asleep.

Today is a new day. It is beautiful outside and I try to put last night behind me and not dwell on it. I am trying to forgive myself. Mainly asking for forgiveness from my body who is so ticked off with me right now. I know that with every day....this will pass. I know that I must walk through the storm to get to the other side.

I am getting pretty drenched, but, I do see a rainbow up ahead.

Get your head in the game!!

I cannot stress enough to anyone looking to get any type of Weight Loss surgery done to "get your head in the game" aka do your emotional homework. Someone told me to take stock of my "emotional inventory". I was like "what?!"

So, what does that mean?. Being overweight at any size (20lbs, 50lbs, 100lbs, 200lbs and up) there is usually an emotional component connected to it. The program that I am in at Duke is very serious about psychology. I think some people are scared to death of the Psychiatrists. Some are worried that they won't "pass" the psychological tests and they won't get to move through the program. I see so many people want to race through the process and click off the "to-do" list to get to surgery.

I will admit that when they told me that they were putting me on "hold" until I went to weekly therapy sessions. I was like "what? I have done therapy before...this is not going to help". I felt like it was red tape. But, then when I started going....and I have been every week....it has been a HUGE part of my life now. I really understood how my past, and my current way of living can be traced all the way back to my past. I realize that I have used food as my friend. I play with it as a child would with their favorite toy, then the next thing came along...and they threw the old toy away. It is something that I know from childhood through habits, through modeling my parents, and use it as away to escape from stress.


If I could say anything to anyone even starting to look into surgery....DON'T DO IT until you have really worked through some of your past, your reasons for dieting, are you an emotional eater? If so, why? Are you addicted? Asking the painful question....How did you get fat? and how did you get there? You are going to have to be ready to have a plan for when the food is gone. It is this whole new way of looking at it. Be ready to change your whole world. This is the toughest part on me. I haven't even had surgery yet. But, I know this is going to be my toughest part of the journey. I know for me that I am going to have to really stop and think about my actions (i.e. grabbing that candy bar when my sugar drops). Instead look for protein when I have a sugar low. When I am upset, lonely, sad, any emotional feeling...get outside. Take the kids and walk.....exercise, write...find something else to do. I just want to be with honest with everyone out there. Most of obesity is from our head. We take out all of our emotions, feelings and put it in our mouth via food.

Ice cream for me (the homemade kind) is like a bottle of vodka for an alcoholic. When the kids (I have 3 under 7) screaming all at the same time...the old way was for me to grab a tub of ice cream and stand in the kitchen with a HUGE spoon and eat it practically all the way to the bottom. Not even noticing. It became such a habit. Now, when the rest of my family wants a dessert...I find an alternative...a sugar free Popsicle. Or I go to another room.

This will take a very long time as it took a long time to get to where you are. All I am saying...make sure you have your "head in the game".

My first support group meeting..

I went to my first support group meeting yesterday (not Duke sponsored) and it was so great to meet people who have already had surgery. In fact, I was the only pre-op. It was so inspirational to meet these beautiful ladies that had come out on the other side. One woman was 7 years out and to hear her advice and comments were invaluable.

Don't get me wrong...it wasn't that their surgeries were all sunshine. Each of them had complications. I wanted to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. I knew of all the complications going into this. But, it was also good to hear real life experiences. But, each of them are fine...they are feeling better and their health is better.

Of course, I had the "you don't look like you need surgery" talk. At first, it made me upset. But, then, I realize that it just a different perspective. I don't think it was meant to be negative. I am right at 5'8 and with these tennis shoes that I wear..it makes me about 5'10. I felt extremely tall. The rest of the women were a little shorter. So, I think why everyone was surprised at my weight and my clothes size is that I am taller. I wear my weight a little different.

I had a great time....but, it did leave me with a lot of mixed emotions...like "is she right, am i really too small to have it done?, or am I wrong for having this done?".

I am 256 lbs, size 24/26. How is that too small?

Anyway...it was great to meet others who have gone through the process and I found some great friends!

Transfer Addiction

What is transfer addiction? Well, in the Weight loss community (whether you have surgery or not). It is a process that you have to go through to really figure out what it is that you are going to substitute for food. For me, food was my best friend. We were thick as thieves. I didn’t always over eat. When I was an athlete, I used it as fuel to see how good I could get at that particular sport. When I was a cheerleader, I would withhold it to see how thin I could get. (which never happened). When I had a fight with a friend, or a bad break-up…my lover “Mr. Godiva” would come and rescue me from the pain. Then, when I got married and had children and other stresses came up. I would make excuses and say “hey, I deserve home made ice cream today…I worked 10 hours and then am a full time mom”.

But, you see..I have a sordid past if you will. Like probably 90% of the world. Things happened in my life that I consider a tragedy. Sometimes, it made me become so fierce in overcoming obstacles in my way. Sometimes, my past made me feel less adequate than the rest of the world. So, my best friend food could always be there to depend on.

So, when I have WLS…what will be take the place of that comfort companion? It can’t be alcohol, or cigarettes, or sudden crack usage. They teach you in the program to find alternatives. The obvious is exercising…but, they tell you not to become an addict at that either. I am like “crap, what the hell is left?” I suppose sex 24 hours a day is good. But, that is an addiction too. SO, my transfer addiction is going to be writing. I have always written since I was a kid. I am now writing screenplays on the side in my so non-existent free time. But, I like to blog. I like to journal. I am told that everytime that I think about food….to write.

I think you will see a lot of writing out of me for the next FOREVER!! Food is a drug for some of us and I am headed to rehab.